Nicole's Engl blog

Awake OFFA 115- Workshop piece

Posted on: October 10, 2012

What keeps me awake at night when my mind is wandering a million miles a minute, as I try to calm my thoughts to be able to drift off to sleep? Uncertainty of what’s to come. It shakes me to my core. When I lie in bed awaiting sleep, that’s when it finds me. Where will my life go? What choices will I make? What choices will be made for me? What things will happen that will shift the way I think entirely? I’m not just talking about what will happen to me the next day, but rather what the future brings for me. How the life I picture for my self now is going to  be changed.

Now most people feel this way at this point in there life, it’s just an anxiety of growing up and all that. But no this is different. It has become somewhat of a fear, and I can pin point the exact moment that causes me to toss a turn all these night.

November 11, 7:30am it was Friday, I don’t have class but again I had to work, so I got up extra early to do some of the mounds of homework I had before I went off to another day of eager Christmas shoppers. After the stressful time I had last night when it just felt like all the pressures of school and work were just to much I was being proactive, and I wasn’t going to get caught up under it all. I got up and went to the washroom across the hall that’s when I heard my cell phone ring.

I still to this day don’t understand what was wrong with me, why didn’t I think “why is someone calling you at 7:30 am when no one your age should be awake at this ungodly hour”. But no the thought going through my head was “ohh phone call I wonder who it is” as I ran like a 14 year old girl to pick it up.

Looking back at that the way I reacted to that shows how much that phone called changed my life. After the slight pause before I heard her on the other end I knew this phone call was not a happy one, before she even said a word I knew this moment was one I would remember for the rest of my life. I can’t tell you what happened when I hung up, or what I did till my cousin came to get me, or what I did when I made it home 12 hours later. But when I think back to going through that, I think to that phone call, why did I not sense the uncertainty in that moment that should have been there. That whole situation didn’t make any sense then and it doesn’t now.

But when I lie awake in bed my mind wonders, and unlike the other members of my family I don’t just see his face, and wonder why. I see everything uncertain in my life, and try to come to terms with that instead because I don’t think I can ever come to terms with the uncertainty of that phone call and how it changed my life.

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