Nicole's Engl blog


Posted on: October 15, 2012

What I really want to say is no I don’t just want to focus on this because its something that happened to my family. I want to focus on this cuz it’s a fuck heart wrenching totally avoidable issue. Sometimes its you can talk about this around me im not going to have an emotional breakdown, you don’t think I deal with this everyday, you vaguely bringing it up isn’t going to break me.

My cousin was number 7 out of 9 suicides that have happened in my home town in the last few years. When I was in first year there were 4, I found it mind blowing why would someone want to do that, not to them selves but to their family and friends and everyone that loved them. I didn’t get it and at the time I was happy to be three hours away from it, it freaked me out. I had zero connection to those people so I didn’t hit me hard. Then two boys from my high school, I didn’t know them as far as I know I hadn’t met them there names didn’t even ring a bell for me. But they went to the same school as me they were best friends they played football with a lot of the guys I knew. This hit home pretty hard, this is when I knew it was something bigger. That’s when I felt like something needed to be done, this needed to be addressed.

When my own cousin became part of the statistic of this small town I call home, it just struck me in a different way, now it was something that needed to be dealt with but I no longer had the capacity to even address it. Almost a year later now and I can talk about suicide and about how my town’s youth is struggling with it, but I can’t talk about him, not his name  not to people who didn’t know him or that he was my cousin. I don’t tell people it’s a personal issue one that now hits too close to home, being three hours away I have that luxury of not having everyone know. At home most people know but our different last names give me the ability to not be tagged as a relation. And I hate to say I am thankful for this fact I couldn’t deal with people forcing me to confront this loss head on, on a regular basis.

So yes I can talk about it, and I want to get involved in this cause one day and hopefully as a teacher I can. But it was always an issue and yes its more personal now but its  a seriously fucked up problem that we cant ignore, so go ahead talk about it!

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