Nicole's Engl blog

Two

Posted on: October 23, 2012

My home life and my school life, I guess this has always been a constant pull of two places, even when my school life was just during the day with my friends and my home life was when I went home after school to dinner and my family.

But now there so much more, since my school brings me to another city, where I’ve created a new life for myself, one without my family that’s a scary thing. When I go home I expect it to feel like it always did. But that’s unrealistic. I’m a totally different  person I’ve grown up so much and matured from living on my own, so going back to a place that reminds me of a younger more naive me clashes with my perception of my self.

My room at home is a great example, pink carpet yellow walls, celebrity boys plaster the walls. So when I go back there all im reminded of is this younger me, I mean it is literally plastering the walls. So there’s a paradox here I don’t want to be treated the same as I was then, because im not the same as I was then. But Its like I’ve grown up in my head then feels like im thrown back into the younger me’s body. Not to say I don’t look the exact same as I did in high school but how can you feel like you’ve grown up when your constantly faced of reminders of how young you are. I don’t know if that makes sense I’m trying really hard to get my feelings across about this.

When im at school I have a whole different life and to be fair this has become extremely dominant part of my life I almost never go home even in the summer. So to me this is who I am now but can my old life face that? Can the people in my old life deal with that? Can I find a way to make my high school room believe me? I guess because at home they don’t see me all the time and they can’t see how I’ve grown up and developed and changed so when I go home I feel out of place, or that I have to demonstrate all of this in the two days im there. I don’t know there two very different places and I feel like the perception of me in both of those places is different or maybe I just think it is. Because they both represent two very different times in my life I guess.

So what happens when im done school, doomed to return to my highschool room in my parents house. Well some redecorating will be a must, a can of paint and so on. But do I really know who iam now? Is that definite? Maybe that’s what being at school is for me finding out who I am without the influence of home. Yah that sounds more like it. But what if I don’t know who I am by the time its time to go back?

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