Nicole's Engl blog


Posted on: November 11, 2012

I’m not so sure I believe in luck, actually scratch that I do. I just don’t reley on it. When ever my family is pooling money to buy lottery tickets I don’t join in. I never buy them on my own, I don’t gamble slot machines are stupid to me and I can’t play cards well enough to win money. So I don’t waste my time on it. There are people who are so drawn in by this idea of striking it big! And they are just counting on there luck, and most times it doesn’t pull through, hence the numerous billboards portraying the dangers of gambling addiction. I think its more of a reliance on luck that just hasn’t panned out.

This seems like a good outlook I have. When I get lucky its 100 times more satisfying its something you weren’t expecting. For example I put my name in a draw at a demonstration in the mall one day, I only did it because they give you free stuff if you do. Any way a few weeks later I got a call, you won a $50 gift card. I was so excited I’d never really won anything before. It wasn’t a huge deal but still so exciting, it was something I didn’t have before and I really didn’t do anything to get. So I was feeling pretty lucky, any way weeks and weeks went by and I hadn’t received the gift card. So I felt my excitement fade. Then one day when I forgot about it I got it in the mail just an envelope with my name on it. The gift card was inside nothing else. So I used the gift card and was very happy with my purchases. Then about a month later I received an email apologizing for the delay and my prize was mailed that day. I assumed this was just an email that was late or had been forgotten about. But a few days later in my mail box I found an identical envelope and inside again a $50 gift card nothing more. While I know this was probably due to error on the company’s side, I didn’t look at it like that at all. But rather I was very lucky to the be recipient of this mistake. When I told people they said wow lady luck is on your side you need to buy a lottery ticket. But I didn’t because to me that is just a very small probability I’ll win and nothing more. And while the odds are against your favour you can’t get lucky unless you buy a ticket. But I look at it like that two dollars I didn’t waste on a ticket that most likely didn’t win. I don’t factor luck into it because it isn’t something you can count on. Therefore I don’t!



Posted on: November 11, 2012

I truly and deeply believe that when something I over you just know it deep down in side, in that pit of your stomach, that ached with anxiety as it came to an end. No matter how much you want it to be over before like that bad for you boyfriend it’s really not over until you can feel it in your stomach. You can think about it and feel no pull, you just know. It’s over. Well this is my case with relationships, there not over till your truly accept with your mind and your heart that they are over. It doesn’t matter how bad you want it to be over, its not over till your heart let go to.

But there’s other things that can be over, those usually have signs like the highway or road your on, or movies and TV shows they have credits. But sometimes there’s something that just side swipes you and it’s over, like you got fired or you failed out of school. These things are different and for some reason they are over. You know there are over but you didn’t expect it, so your not ready for it to be over, but it is and there is nothing you can do. This leaves the worst feeling in the pit of your stomach. A feeling of longing and desire.

When your favourite book ends, or your favourite TV show, you have to accept that its over. But in the back of your mind you’re always hoping for your show to get picked up for just one more season, or despite what the author said there will be another book. These things are over but there is that chance they might not be, there’s a small glimmer of hope that they will come back to you again.

No matter it is, you can almost always tell when it is over, weather you want it to be or not it is, and in most opportunities there isn’t much you can do about it. It is just a part of life. But you will move on and get over whatever is over and on to the next until that too is over. Or hell maybe it will last forever, because if we didn’t think like this life would just be a series of endings, and that is the glass half empty way to look at it.



Posted on: November 8, 2012

What did I start over and over again? When I first saw the word repeat I thought of putting a song on repeat. Because more than anything that is what I start over and over again the most. Sometimes more than most for me you find a song that just resonates somewhere deep inside for you.

Most of the times it’s the deep and meaningful lyrics, and the way the song writer has strung together the most perfect combination of words, like they had looked deep into your soul and pulled it out just for you to put into words what you couldn’t.

Some times its those songs that maybe they have dumb lyrics or they don’t relate to you, or maybe the lyrics don’t even make sense but the beat is catchy and it just makes you want to dance every time you hear it, like you’re a five year old again.

For me this happens often, I actually have to spend time trying to not over play songs so I don’t get completely sick of them. A lot of times I become obsessed with songs before they hit the radio, so months later when they are finally making there appearance on radio charts I’ve already heard it over 100 times.

I’m also one of those people who still buys albums, no I don’t download it off iTunes. I go to the store and pick it up of the shelf so I have a physical copy of it in my hand. Then when I get home I play the whole thing beginning to end a number of times. It was made as a whole why not listen to it as a whole. But then I’ll become obsessed with a song that isn’t the title track and isn’t all you hear every time you turn on the radio or tv. But 4 months later when they decided to make a music video and this becomes the new single again I’ve already burned it out. This is why I don’t often listen to the radio.

One CD one artist in particular I link hand in hand with my obsession with repeating songs. Ed Sheeran I first heard one of his songs around April of this year. He’s from the U.K so I don’t even think his cd was out  there yet, but I had to wait till July for it to come to Canada. So I was on YouTube everyday playing his music from videos people had made. I became obsessed, when I finally got the cd in my hands  I played it over and over at least 30 times, I slowly stopped this. A month or so went by I put it back on and here we went again constantly on repeat. Even now as I write this the cd in its case sits on the side of my desk I’ve never stored it away because I will just bring it back out there is no point.

I love every song on this CD each and every one, some more than others but there isn’t a single on I skip. He just accompanied Taylor swift on a track I loved it, it was pure genius. He’s started to sky rocket to fame and I find my self feeling proud each time he reaches a new milestone, because his music and his lyrics are just so detailed I feel like we know each other, how else could he so perfectly describe how I feel or why else would he tell me the intimate details of his life.


What has been your reaction to the three texts you’ve read (Maus, My Dark Places and Prozac Diary)?

By starting with Maus I found my self questioning what a memoir really was, I was picturing more of a autobiography of shorts, but with Maus and its style as a graphic novel I was shocked at the amount of content that was displayed both through the text and the visuals.

My dark places I was shocked at the content that was included about James Ellroy’s personal life, details I didn’t know if I saw the necessity in the text, or maybe just not the level of detail included. I was also shocked at the way he talked of his mother especially the fact that she was dead. It allowed me to see into someone else’s way of viewing the world.

Prozac Diary was a very interesting read it opened my mind to the world of mental illness and the fascinating world of new pharmaceuticals. Like the Ellroy book this book allowed me to see into someone else’s head and understand slightly there thinking process and the way they viewed the world.

Which author do you prefer in terms of style?

I preferred Maus the most because the style was so unique, I had never read a graphic novel before, and the pictures as well as the text said equal amounts of stuff. Also I enjoyed that it was a story within a story of Art trying to rehash the story from his father and there were more interesting information in this back and forth exchange that added to the content of the piece.


Which text has the best content?

I found both Maus and Prozac Diary to have the best content. Maus because I am very interested in personal accounts of times of war being a history student, but I had head similar accounts before. Prozac diaries was incredibly interesting to me as well since I had never known what Prozac had done or any of the back ground for it, as well this created a picture of what it is like to experience first hand a mental illness and the treatment behind it. I also feel that Prozac diaries would lend a lot to the content about mental illness and the awareness of it.

Which text, if any, do you find most relatable? Why?

I find Prozac Diaries the most relatable, because of the way she maps out her thinking, you can follow it and understand where she’s going and how she’s gotten there. As well through this you can find something relatable even though the circumstances are not ones you have experienced



Posted on: November 5, 2012

What ghosts haunt me? That would be the people of my past, that are no longer a part of it. Not the ones who just gradually fell out of contact with, but the ones who were ripped away because of an argument or misunderstanding, something that just at the time it seemed like neither one of us could get over it. And now because of it were not there for each other any more, were not a part of each others lives. Old boy friends mostly, since I don’t really speak to any of them, or a friend who it was clear you two just weren’t the same people any more. While I guess you could say they don’t haunt me, I don’t eve know if they think of me at all. But sometimes when I least expect it, I think of them. It’s not a desire to have them back in my life, no not at all. But rather a curiosity, what are they doing now? Where has there life gone? Do they wonder these things about me?

            I don’t know if I would think these things if it wasn’t for social media such as Facebook, that allows me to get a small peak into there lives. Are they really as happy as they look in these pictures, do they check my page and wonder the same thing? If I didn’t have this way to access a part of there lives would I ever think of them. When my life is going great I hope they do look at my page and think wow she seems so happy because I am! But when its not the greatest or I feel like my life seems boring then I really wonder, do they see this and think HA! I’m glad she’s not in my life any more. It really doesn’t matter and there is no way I will ever know. But these people who are a part of my past shouldn’t be affecting how I shape my future; well I guess they don’t really. I guess they more have an impact on how I think my life is perceived to others. And I mean does this matter at all. When I’m happy and everything is great I don’t even think about how people think my life is going cuz I’m too busy living it. But maybe when I feel in a rut or bored or things are just not going good I want everyone to think my life is perfect and so well put together. Kind of messed up isn’t it. So maybe theses people of the past don’t haunt me, but my friends or followers do, because I don’t always want my life portrayed online to them to make there own judgments of it, because they don’t really have any right to. I mean its mine not theres!


 Halloween costumes oh my there have been many!!! I’ll try to do this chronologically, when I was too young to voice my own opinion I believe I was a clown a time or two. Then later when I could walk I wore this pumpkin costume defiantly more than once it was orange felt that someone had made and it had elastic around all the hole where your arms and legs stick you and you stuffed it with newspaper to make it big a puffy. Then you wore green tights and there was a orange hat with a stem on top that elastic on to your head. I’m pretty sure a few times I wore it my face was painted orange. There’s a picture of me when I was really young dressed up as a chicken I have ZERO memory of this and have no idea why I would have wanted to be that.

            Later when I started to have enough imagination to pick my own costumes, I was a fairy quite a few times I still have those wings I wore and they still have quite a bit of glitter considering every time you put them on you find glitter on you for weeks after. I remember one year just wearing my dance costume and saying I was a dancer, I think I was just really excited to be in dance. I was a witch and Frankenstein that’s when I decided I really wanted to be something scary for Halloween. Another year I was a genie but not just any genie the genie from I Dream of Genie I was obsessed with that show which was weird because it was so old but I watched it every morning at my baby sitters.

 My probably most creative costume was a dead girl on Broadway  I don’t know where I got this idea from but we went full on with it, I wore all black and had sparkles everywhere, long white gloves and one of those cigarette sticks, I had no idea what it was but my mom said  I needed it. I had tons of stings of pearls on and a bright red boa. Then my dad painted my face all white like I was dead and there was blood everywhere, I’m not sure how I had died but it was bloody.

That one sticks out the most I was Avril lavinge once when she was popular, I was a fairy a few more times in high school, then I was a fire fighter and in grade 12 I was super man. That one was pretty creative considering I bought a 12 year old boys one piece costume. I split up the different parts and crafted it into a pretty cool costume.

Since university Halloween has become like a week long event and god forbid you wear the same costume twice, this year I only went out once as a girl guide and I’m glad that was it. Its exhausting to come up with all these creative ideas and then make them or go out looking for all the pieces.

For the most part I use to be able to tell you the first time I met anyone, it was something I just didn’t forget. The first time you saw them, talked to them heard them talk everyone says first impressions are important and to me they are I’ve completely judged you by the time our first meeting was over, and maybe you just weren’t  having a great day but I’ve totally established my opinion of you by now.


I’m not really sure why I can’t do that as often now, it has something to do with coming to university. Ever since I’ve been here I can’t always tell you about the first time I’ve met someone. It could very well be because in coming to university you meet insane amounts of people in a short time, and maybe most of those meetings aren’t significant. Or it could also have to do with the large amounts of alcohol I’ve consumed since being in university, so ya if I met you when I was drunk then I don’t remember  meeting you which is fair enough.

There doesn’t seem to be any factor that makes one meeting more memorable, some people who are still irrelevant in my life, but I can tell you how I met them. Or important people like my roommate of the last 3 years could not tell you how I met her but we’ve been living together for the last 3 years.

But my boyfriend hes a funny one, I can tell you when we met where we were in a bar and the exact spot we were sitting, I remember talking to him making small chat since we were jammed in one side of the booth together. But I could not for the longest time remember him, particularly what he looked like, I don’t think after we first met I would have been able to pick him out of a crowd. But again there was alcohol involved so that’s the culprit there. I’ve told him this and he really doesn’t seem to mind