Nicole's Engl blog

Posts Tagged ‘memories

I’m not sure there is a path I didn’t take that I regret. I know there have been lots of times where I have a decision to make and after I make my decision there’s that sense of regret, or uncertainty that it was the wrong choice. But from where I sit in life not I don’t regret any of them, or wish I picked the other path. I am content with who I am and where I am right now therefore there is no need to regret anything.

So instead I will tell you about what stands out in my mind as a moment where there  were two paths, and probably for the longest time after I still questioned my decision and sometimes regretted it.

When I was in grade 6 my catholic elementary school was being shut down, so for grade 7 everyone was being relocated. According to where you lived determined where you went. But the students a year older than us were going to be bussed no matter where they chose to go. The rest of us could choose but after that year we had to find our own transportation to and from school. Of course out of my  close knit group of friends I was the only one not being district off to the same school as them. I was faced with a few choices. I could go to that school for one year, hope maybe something could be worked for my last year in terms of transportation. I could also pick to just go to the school I was being sent to according to where I  lived, but very few people I knew were going there, and I didn’t know anyone there already. Also if I went to this school I would most likely have to go to a high school on the other end of town instead of the potential to meet back up with all my friends at the same high school in grade 9. But there was also one more option, one that the school wasn’t really presenting as a option. I could go to the public school that was next to my current school.

If I choose either of the last two options I would still not be with my friends. But a lot of other people from my school were going to go to the public school. Most of them guys but still I would know them. The other issue was since these two schools were so close we naturally became enemies in terms of snow ball fights and other childish things. This caused a lot of nervousness in my decision. Eventually I chose, I picked the public school, it made the most sense. I wouldn’t at any point be bussed, it was in the exact same location as my old school, so I could still walk home. And it was where the majority of my classmates were going.

So that’s what I did, I choose the option that was frowned upon by my old school, and by most of my friends parents. But I didn’t care, and im more than happy now that that was the decision I made. As with all changes it was hard at first but I adjusted and soon I came to appreiciate this school more than I did my old school.

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 Halloween costumes oh my there have been many!!! I’ll try to do this chronologically, when I was too young to voice my own opinion I believe I was a clown a time or two. Then later when I could walk I wore this pumpkin costume defiantly more than once it was orange felt that someone had made and it had elastic around all the hole where your arms and legs stick you and you stuffed it with newspaper to make it big a puffy. Then you wore green tights and there was a orange hat with a stem on top that elastic on to your head. I’m pretty sure a few times I wore it my face was painted orange. There’s a picture of me when I was really young dressed up as a chicken I have ZERO memory of this and have no idea why I would have wanted to be that.

            Later when I started to have enough imagination to pick my own costumes, I was a fairy quite a few times I still have those wings I wore and they still have quite a bit of glitter considering every time you put them on you find glitter on you for weeks after. I remember one year just wearing my dance costume and saying I was a dancer, I think I was just really excited to be in dance. I was a witch and Frankenstein that’s when I decided I really wanted to be something scary for Halloween. Another year I was a genie but not just any genie the genie from I Dream of Genie I was obsessed with that show which was weird because it was so old but I watched it every morning at my baby sitters.

 My probably most creative costume was a dead girl on Broadway  I don’t know where I got this idea from but we went full on with it, I wore all black and had sparkles everywhere, long white gloves and one of those cigarette sticks, I had no idea what it was but my mom said  I needed it. I had tons of stings of pearls on and a bright red boa. Then my dad painted my face all white like I was dead and there was blood everywhere, I’m not sure how I had died but it was bloody.

That one sticks out the most I was Avril lavinge once when she was popular, I was a fairy a few more times in high school, then I was a fire fighter and in grade 12 I was super man. That one was pretty creative considering I bought a 12 year old boys one piece costume. I split up the different parts and crafted it into a pretty cool costume.

Since university Halloween has become like a week long event and god forbid you wear the same costume twice, this year I only went out once as a girl guide and I’m glad that was it. Its exhausting to come up with all these creative ideas and then make them or go out looking for all the pieces.

For the most part I use to be able to tell you the first time I met anyone, it was something I just didn’t forget. The first time you saw them, talked to them heard them talk everyone says first impressions are important and to me they are I’ve completely judged you by the time our first meeting was over, and maybe you just weren’t  having a great day but I’ve totally established my opinion of you by now.

 

I’m not really sure why I can’t do that as often now, it has something to do with coming to university. Ever since I’ve been here I can’t always tell you about the first time I’ve met someone. It could very well be because in coming to university you meet insane amounts of people in a short time, and maybe most of those meetings aren’t significant. Or it could also have to do with the large amounts of alcohol I’ve consumed since being in university, so ya if I met you when I was drunk then I don’t remember  meeting you which is fair enough.

There doesn’t seem to be any factor that makes one meeting more memorable, some people who are still irrelevant in my life, but I can tell you how I met them. Or important people like my roommate of the last 3 years could not tell you how I met her but we’ve been living together for the last 3 years.

But my boyfriend hes a funny one, I can tell you when we met where we were in a bar and the exact spot we were sitting, I remember talking to him making small chat since we were jammed in one side of the booth together. But I could not for the longest time remember him, particularly what he looked like, I don’t think after we first met I would have been able to pick him out of a crowd. But again there was alcohol involved so that’s the culprit there. I’ve told him this and he really doesn’t seem to mind

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A time I was instantly enamoured by? Well I had never heard this word before so now after a quick google define: search I now know you want to know about something I was instantly captivated or charmed by. Well I’ve sat here twenty minutes before I started my timer, and couldn’t come up with anything. I’m sure its happened but I  can’t seem to recall it.

I would love to tell you that when I met my current boyfriend who I am currently enamoured by that the second we met there was that connection that I will never forget for the rest of my life. But I can’t cuz I was drunk when we met and when I look back I can tell you what booth we were sitting in as we talked but that’s about it, I quickly knew that I was going to be enamoured by him  after a few sober times we talked but it wasn’t instant.

Then I realized books, I have always been enamoured by books. When I was on the bus in JK the girl next to my Jillian had a book, I instantly wanted to know where she got it. She told her the teacher gave it to her. So that day when we got to school I marched up to the teacher and demanded I have a book also. After she made sure I knew what letters were which she gave me my first book. I’m not sure if I loved reading or if I was just jealous someone else had a book and I didn’t. As I grew up I would read long while my mom read to me and was soon consuming hundreds of pages books in a matter of hours. But I don’t know if it was an instant love or what.

The more I sat and brainstormed, the more I racked my memory the more I came up blank. But it was a feeling I had known before for sure. Then I came to the assumption: anything I was instantly enamoured by faded away over time or maybe when I got to know more about that thing or person or place. That beyond that instant moment the sensation was gone. And anything I was currently enamoured by (see the paragraph on my boyfriend) wasn’t instant but rather gradual or after I knew more about it, or had more experiences.

And I have no problem with this I know what enamours me and I know why, just because it wasn’t instant doesn’t make it any less enamouring… Actually come to think of it SERINDIPTY the word its self, it enamoured me the first time I heard it and it was quickly followed by its meaning and still to this day I think it is beautiful in its word and in its meaning, I never use it in my writing or when I talk because I think it is just to perfect on its own to be incorporated into something else. I still quite enjoy the movie as well.

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Time

Posted on: October 14, 2012

A clock I’ve looked at a lot, my alarm clock in my room. Before I left for university I needed an alarm clock for two reasons, 1. to wake me up for class my cell phone alarm was not reliable and 2. so I would have a clock to look at when I needed to know what time it was so I wouldn’t be late for class. So here I am kind of the same clock. Its black Sony alarm clock with green numbers its digital. I swear it is always the alarm clock that is in the university or dorm section of what ever department store during back to school season. I see tons of them in other people’s bedrooms. It is a very reliable alarm clock I can always could on it, and the best feature, it knows when day lights savings is and adjusts its self! Also no matter how long its unplugged it always knows what time is when I plug it back in, same if the power goes out. But it doesn’t even have a backup battery! This shit cray I know! But my mom bought it for me as part of my birthday present before I went to university along with a nice coffee cup a laundry basket you know those kinds of things. Well in second year it was still working like a charm but the button to adjust what time the alarm would go off wasn’t working very well. I refused to buy a new one cuz it works so well, so instead I went to walmart bought the same alarm clock I swear they will forever have this alarm clock its like a staple of a students life. So I went home put the new identical alarm clock in my room and packed the old one back up and returned it and got my money back.

I stare at this clock a lot, when I get up in the morning, while I get ready to make sure I’, going to make it to the bus or to work on time. When I wake up in the middle of the night I stare at it. When I’m waiting for my boyfriend to come over and he’s late, or I’m waiting for my favourite show to come on. While I’m getting all dolled up to go out I stare at it a lot to see what time it is and judge if I should be ready yet. When I’m laying on my couch and reading for class I stare at it a lot as well. When I leave to go home for a few days I always stare at it to check for the little dot that tells me the alarm is still set to go off.

Vice

Posted on: October 11, 2012

Well secret vice I held close, I’m not to sure what I thought a vice was before but I was instantly going to write about my love of free stuff/ good deals. I guess I thought a vice was something you loved or like a guilty pleasure but I goggled the definition first. And now I see that a vice is an immoral habit or practice. I had to think for a while but I think I came up with something.

I enjoy lying to my parents, I’m not sure why because I don’t lie about anything important in fact I lie about mainly insignificant details of my life. It could be because I don’t want them to know absolutely everything about me, or sometimes I just might not be sure what they will say or how they will react.

In high school I did it to avoid getting in trouble, “what did you and you’re friends do last night?” “oh we watched a movie went to tim hortons nothing exciting” LIE we went to a suburb twenty minutes out of town got wasted, with people 5 years older than us then got a ride back home with someone we didn’t even know. Those kind of lies are understandable, but then there were lies like, “where did you and your friends go last night after the bar” “no where” LIE we went to about twenty different fast food restaurants until we found one that would serve us” the truth there would in no way gain a different response than what I said. In fact my mom would have probably found more entertainment in the real story. But I lied I don’t do it as often as I did in high school when I viewed it as almost a necessity, but every once in a while I still do it. I think I do it just cuz I can, just to see if I can get away with it, or maybe its because I haven’t been caught so I get a little thrill out of it. I won’t ever know the real reason but I think it could have something to do with growing up.

What keeps me awake at night when my mind is wandering a million miles a minute, as I try to calm my thoughts to be able to drift off to sleep? Uncertainty of what’s to come. It shakes me to my core. When I lie in bed awaiting sleep, that’s when it finds me. Where will my life go? What choices will I make? What choices will be made for me? What things will happen that will shift the way I think entirely? I’m not just talking about what will happen to me the next day, but rather what the future brings for me. How the life I picture for my self now is going to  be changed.

Now most people feel this way at this point in there life, it’s just an anxiety of growing up and all that. But no this is different. It has become somewhat of a fear, and I can pin point the exact moment that causes me to toss a turn all these night.

November 11, 7:30am it was Friday, I don’t have class but again I had to work, so I got up extra early to do some of the mounds of homework I had before I went off to another day of eager Christmas shoppers. After the stressful time I had last night when it just felt like all the pressures of school and work were just to much I was being proactive, and I wasn’t going to get caught up under it all. I got up and went to the washroom across the hall that’s when I heard my cell phone ring.

I still to this day don’t understand what was wrong with me, why didn’t I think “why is someone calling you at 7:30 am when no one your age should be awake at this ungodly hour”. But no the thought going through my head was “ohh phone call I wonder who it is” as I ran like a 14 year old girl to pick it up.

Looking back at that the way I reacted to that shows how much that phone called changed my life. After the slight pause before I heard her on the other end I knew this phone call was not a happy one, before she even said a word I knew this moment was one I would remember for the rest of my life. I can’t tell you what happened when I hung up, or what I did till my cousin came to get me, or what I did when I made it home 12 hours later. But when I think back to going through that, I think to that phone call, why did I not sense the uncertainty in that moment that should have been there. That whole situation didn’t make any sense then and it doesn’t now.

But when I lie awake in bed my mind wonders, and unlike the other members of my family I don’t just see his face, and wonder why. I see everything uncertain in my life, and try to come to terms with that instead because I don’t think I can ever come to terms with the uncertainty of that phone call and how it changed my life.